It’s been a wild fortnight for gas prices. They’ve been getting high faster than Amy Winehouse at a crack convention, climbing so steeply, according to a report from MasterCard, Inc. (and really, who better to report on our driving habits), Americans’ demand for gasoline has fallen by a whopping 2.7 percent since the same time last year. I’m sorry, WHAT?!?! Americans are driving LESS?!?!? Have we no shame? Do we really want to play with fire? This kind of outrageous behavior puts us SQUARELY AT RISK of cleaner air, more efficient roadways, and a marked depression in the asthma rate. What are we thinking? If we want our children to have even a chance of experiencing the quality of life that we’ve come to take for granted – plentiful traffic congestion, a bounty of ailments, and smog as far as the eye can’t see – then, dagnabit, we owe it to them to start poking holes in the arctic wilderness and tapping the gulf coast for black gold fast, so we can get some more cars back on the road!
Don’t these heartless spendthrifts have any idea what it costs to pay the mortgage on just ONE of Rex Tillerson’s mansions, let alone all nine of them? And what if this becomes a habit? What if people realize they don’t actually NEED to joyride alone in their Escalades? Then what? Carpooling? Will funding for highway expansion be siphoned off for railroads or light rail? Will people start moving OUT of the suburbs? Will we completely degenerate into a world of bike-riding freaks? NO, we have GOT to get a grip on this dangerous descent into sanity. If those crazy environmentalists won’t let us drill for more oil, then we’ll just have to find another fuel source that’ll keep us lazy, sick, and blindly “patriotic.”
In other news, my exclusive coverage of the Bush Administration’s plan to keep America fat and transform our cellulite into auto fuel (see April 1st blog) is apparently starting to turn some heads these days. Alternet and Huffington Post contributer, Barbara Ehrenreich, has since joined the ranks of the converted, and not a moment too soon. Have you heard? Gas prices are through the roof!