Bush Administration Pursues New Revolutionary Home-grown Alternative Auto Fuel…

Today in DC we had the rare privilege of sitting down with Ilene Tuderyte, one of President Bush’s senior energy policy advisers, to discuss the nation’s energy future and whether President Bush is still even able to affect US environmental policy this late in his second term. We were surprised and encouraged to find that what we thought was a lame-duck presidency, still has a bold vision of what is possible, and Bush recently appears truly to have turned a corner in his environmental and energy positions. Ms. Tuderyte assured us that the president has a very strong desire to help the country wean itself off of foreign oil – and oil altogether, for that matter. Kudos to him. When we pressed her for specific initiatives, she unveiled one of the most groundbreaking ideas we’ve heard all year.

The following are excerpts from an internal Department Of Energy memorandum she shared with us:

“As a nation, we are seeing increasing rates of obesity across all age groups. Nearly 65% of all Americans are now considered obese – a 50% rise in obesity in the last 30 years – and the rate of childhood obesity is rising three times a fast as it is for adults. When it comes to body fat – the U.S. is the world leader. This incredible surplus of cellulite stored in the bodies of our citizens represents one of the most underutilized natural resources we have – a truly renewable energy source that is INCREASING at nearly 3% annually. Oil prices have recently eclipsed $110 dollars/barrel and will likely surpass $170 dollars/barrel by the end of 2008. As the world’s largest consumer of petroleum, we will soon be facing a shortage in our oil supply while enjoying a record surplus of cellulite – our most plentiful home-grown bio-fuel resource. In the next two weeks, we will be making recommendations to Congress to legislate strong financial incentives for domestic auto manufacturers to increase basic research into the development of a cellulite-powered car engine capable of a minimum of 35 miles per pound of human body fat.

With a sharp increase in the number of elective liposuction procedures during recent years, the future of American body fat as an alternative fuel is indeed strong. On a per capita basis, the average American is 58.3 pounds over weight. With 302 million people in the U.S. this translates to nearly 17.6 billion pounds of excess fat. With current national stores of excess body fat at 17.6 billion pounds and projected to rise to 20 billion by 2010, assuming an average fuel economy of 35 miles per pound, human cellulite has the potential to meet all of our national automotive fuel needs by the end of the decade. Several preliminary joint studies conducted by GM and several liposuction labs in Los Angeles and Miami confirm that efficiencies as high as 40 miles per pound are theoretically possible with more energy dense fat from the buttocks and thighs, while belly and underarm fat yield between 23-31 miles per pound, depending on the individual’s diet. An additional fuel efficiency benefit may come from a decrease in mean passenger weight as individuals’ fat is increasingly used to power their cars. However, it should be noted that this may happen at the expense of domestic fat supplies, in which case restrictions will be required and a national fast food subsidy program may need to be implemented to maintain sufficient national fat supplies.

Given that effective public relations management of this unorthodox proposal is essential during the coming months, the DOE will be working closely with American car manufacturers on initial product marketing and positioning. Several preliminary campaigns are:

“Having trouble burning off those extra pounds…FORD’s here to help. The new FORD Fatster.”

“A Lean, Mean, Lard-Driving Machine…the 2009 Chevy Cellulite.”

“Dodge Dimple – Now you can ride on the most durable spare tire of all…yours.”

“Drive your way to thin with a Lincoln Lipid SX.”

“Not a car, not a truck, not an SUV – It’s a Blubber. The Blubber B3 – a vehicle as big as you are.”

“People used to call me Porky, now they call me an environmentalist. – Come check out the all new 6-cylinder Mazda Muffintop.”

“Get it off your butt and into your car – Fat makes America run.”

In short, we believe that a strong national energy policy begins and ends with a triple cheeseburger, milkshake, and side of extra large fries – it’s time we recognized our national obesity “problem” for the energy independence answer it is. And it’s time we replaced high prices at the pump, with live humans hooked up to the pump. We have the need, we have the supply, and we have the technology – liposuction/filling station hybridization. It’s time to get off of oil – and onto cellulite. Time to declare our energy independence. America’s Energy Future Is Fat and Free.”

Oh, and…
HAPPY APRIL FOSSIL FOOLS’ DAY!

2 thoughts on “Bush Administration Pursues New Revolutionary Home-grown Alternative Auto Fuel…

  1. Great idea! We just had an article in my newsweekly about increased emissions from the local crematorium. Turns out that burning obese people lowers the temperature of the ovens and increases particulate emissions.

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